Continuing on from my previous blog on Place, in this series on the Thinking Environment, I share my thoughts and experiences on the component of Feelings in this one.
Definition
Nancy Kline describes feelings in a thinking environment as follows:
“Welcoming the release of emotion. Unexpressed feelings can inhibit good thinking. Thinking stops when we are upset. But if we express feelings just enough, thinking re-starts. Unfortunately, we have this backwards in our society. We think that when feelings start, thinking stops. When we assume this, we interfere with exactly the process that helps a person think clearly again. If instead, when people show signs of feelings, we relax and welcome them, good thinking will resume.”
What This Means to Me
As a facilitator, I have often guided deeply reflective and intense conversations within groups. I have also coached individuals, holding space for their thoughts and emotions. Through experience, I have learned to honor people’s feelings with respect—because they do show up, in all their colors and intensity.
I have also realized that my instinct to comfort someone out of their difficult feelings often stems from my own discomfort rather than their actual needs. When people feel safe in my presence, they reveal themselves in their rawest, most vulnerable form. It takes courage and wisdom to witness that realness with dignity and acceptance. More often than not, this realness appears as emotion. Nancy’s words resonate deeply with my experience: “When people show signs of feelings, we relax and welcome them, good thinking will resume.”
I believe that when a person feels their emotions are met with quiet acceptance, their sense of safety and ease grows naturally. A story that comes to mind is from my women’s circle.
The image uses the butterfly as a metaphor for feelings - she comes unexpectedly and sits on the little dog’s nose. Perhaps he feels some discomfort, and yet he stays present and welcomes the butterfly. I also love this quote that captures this component succinctly :
“Wisdom knows what feelings are present,
Without being lost in them.”
~Jack Kornfield
Holding Space for Feelings: A Story
Early on, I set a guiding norm for our group: as we reflect and share, intense and difficult feelings may surface. Our role is to hold space and witness—not to rescue, fix, or comfort unless the person explicitly asks for it. The underlying assumption was that when someone is in the midst of strong emotions, their primary need is simply to express them. If they feel seen and heard, they can move through the experience. However, if others rush in to reassure, advise, or explain why they shouldn’t feel a certain way, it can lead to feelings of invalidation or even shame.
One of the women, Meera (name changed for confidentiality), often found herself overcome with emotion in our early sessions. Each time she cried, she would immediately apologize, calling herself “too sensitive” or “weak.” My only response as a facilitator was to assure her that she never needed to apologize for her feelings.
By the fourth session, something shifted. While she still hesitated, saying, “Oh no, I’m going to cry again,” the harsh self-judgment had softened. Words like “weak” and “overly sensitive” became rare. A couple of years later, she now experiences such moments with ease—the feelings come, sit, and fade. The group always welcomed them, but now, so does she. With quiet confidence and self-assurance, she allows her emotions to exist without resistance.
For me, Meera’s journey is a powerful example of what Nancy describes. Feelings are not obstacles to thinking; they are a natural part of being human. Like clouds passing through the sky, they are impermanent. When we make space for them without interference, they don’t block thinking—they clear the way for it. And when a thinker repeatedly experiences their emotions being met with genuine acceptance, it can be transformative.
A Practice in Reflective Spaces
I have witnessed a similar pattern in many of the reflective dialogues and workshops I design. We uphold the principle that feelings are welcome—they can show up, be honored, and then pass. In our team’s reflective dialogues, we often use Thinking Environment principles. Many participants have had their first experience of expressing deep emotions without being interrupted or “rescued.” Likewise, it’s often the first time they have sat with another’s emotions without rushing to fix or console.
These moments have led to surprising realizations—about their own discomfort in the face of strong emotions, their vulnerability, and the deep interconnected nature of human beings. They have also discovered their capacity to hold another’s suffering (and joy) with quiet compassion.
Jalaluddin Rumi’s poem, The Guesthouse, is a beautiful expression of this component for me:
“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
In the following blog, I will share my experiences with the component of Incisive Questions.
Credit: Illustration by Chitra